The True Story
by Blame the Cupcake
Summary: This is the true story of The Lord of the Rings. Starting with Bilbo getting his ring stolen then kicked out of his house by Gandalf. Also Merry and pippin with hangovers. Good stuff. Read hear. rated for cursing.
1. House Party

Disclaimer: Don't own anything.

Warning: I was bored when I wrote this.

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So hears the dl. Hobbits are short, fat, and for the most part very stupid. There happened to be this one dude by the name of Bilbo Baggins and it was his birthday. Now this big fancy pants wizard came and exploded a few things making everyone oww and ahh. Bilbo made this big speech dissing everyone then disappeared into thin air. Being stupid the hobbits all clapped. Bilbo that creative little genius, ran home. Gandalf some how managed to get there first and stole Bilbo's ring. Bilbo, dishearten, left .

The annoying, whinny, nephew Frodo came in and learned that the ring Gandalf had just stole was EVIL! He told Frodo he had to take it and leave the country to destroy it 'cause he was the only one who could withstand the EVIL. Frodo thought Gandalf just wanted his newly enquired house. To make sure he wasn't lonely he was to take his gardened, who Gandalf had magically pulled through the window.

"You suck.' muttered Sam.

So Gandalf got rid of Frodo and hung out at his house till it ran out of food. Frodo and Sam got there two friends Merry and Pippin drunk and convinced them to come with them. It wasn't that hard since they were both pretty hammered. After the two got over there massive hangovers they decided to go to there favorite bar to celebrate.

"I beat $20 I can chug a whole pint!" Frodo suddenly yelled out standing on a table. After taking a dozen bets and a chores of chugs Frodo did just that, but sadly he fell short. After claming he didn't know it was a pin the refused to pay. This made some people really pissed off so Frodo hid under a table.

"You draw far to much attention to yourself Mr. Underhill." said a the tall scary man who's table Frodo was hiding under. He grabbed Frodo and dragged him to his room. He then threw him on the floor and glared at him.

"Fine I'll pay, I'll pay." Frodo muttered while rubbing the newly forming bump on the back of his head. Before he could say anything the other hobbits burst through the door.

"Man it was just a stupid bet no need to kill anyone!" said the super whippy Sam.

"Dude I aint gonna kill anyone so cool your jets." said the frustrated Aragorn. "Hi my names Aragorn. Gandalf is off doing something important so he sent me to save your sorry asses." The hobbits agreed to go with Aragorn for fear of getting beat up.

The next day they started off for the wild after much complaining on the part of the hobbits till Aragorn threatened to beat them up if they didn't shut up.

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Thus ends chapter one. Tell me what you think. **You don't need to be a author to review!**


	2. Shut Up or Die!

**Ok, chapter 2 here and I hope the two of you that read it enjoy.**

**I disclaim ownership. On with the story!**

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"Will you all just shut up!" Aragorn had been ignoring them for three days, it wasn't working well and he had had enough. 

"We will not be stopping for breakfast, again. We have already had breakfast three times and that is more than enough. So if you don't shut up I will be forced to kill you!" He was breathing hard after his little rant. The hobbits huddled together in fear of the large and obviously now crazy man. He stared at them for a second to make sure there was no more objections before he stomped away.

"But Merry he's a jerk and I'm still hungry." he heard the little one whine. Pissed he grabbed a apple off a near tree and chucked it at Pippin, and was rewarded with a thunk and a cry of pain. Feeling better he continued on his way.

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He had left the hobbits alone for what, ten minutes, and they attracted all nine of the wraiths! ' Little idiots, he should accidentally fail to make in time to save them.' he thought with a huff. But no if he did that the one with the creepy eyes wouldn't be able to save middle earth and then he wouldn't get to be king. He jumped into the fight protecting the ring bearer from the wraiths while looking incredibly sexy at the same time. 

"Haha!" He laughed. "Take this, and some of that, and some of this. God damn I'm sexy!"

If the Hobbits weren't scared before they certainly were now. So busy was he thinking about how incredibly sexy he was he didn't notice the wraith sneak pass him and stab Frodo until the incredibly shrill and obnoxious voice broke his train of thought.

"Oh fuck." he thought as he saw what had happened. He quickly disposed of the wraiths not enjoying it nearly as much as he had been. He dropped down by Frodo and his first thought was ewww.

"Well aren't you going to help him." the fat hobbit said looking at Aragorn accusingly. He looked down at the blood again and decided he really didn't want to touch it. So he did the one thing he could do, lie.

"I uh can't uh, you see this is a evil blade that I uh cant heal. Uh only the magical elves and do it cause uh this is beyond my skill. Uh yeah lets go with that."

Lucky for Aragorn the hobbits were stupid and bought it. They throw Frodo on to the horse like a sack of potatoes and headed for Rivendell.

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**ok its done review if you want**

**lj**

**ps:thankx to my 2 reveiwers**


	3. Hot pink is too manly!

'Almost there, almost there.' Aragorn thought. He had been traveling for a week with the annoying midgets, and the one with the creepy eyes wouldn't stop bitching.

"My shoulder hurts!" he whined for the, as far as Aragorn had counted, 328 time.

"Well," Aragorn fairly yelled, "I could stab you in your other one so you don't feel the other one as much." Much to his happiness, the hobbit paled several shades before shaking his head reverently. He totally ignored the death glare the fat hobbit was sending his way.

Suddenly the sound of horses made themselves know as the small group stopped for a break. Nine ring wraiths tried to look threatening as the rode from a covalently placed forest, but failed to do so when one of the riders fell off his horse and started cursing in several languages. As the other wraiths snickered at their companion Aragorn came upon a brilliant thought. They only wanted Frodo. He didn't particularly like the ugly little guy and most certainly didn't want to die protecting him so quickly thought a plan.

"Run God damn it!" he yelled before smacking the horse Frodo was sitting on, on the ass making it bolt. The wraiths looked up from laughing at the friend to see the one with the cheap jewelry getting away. They rushed past the unimportant ones, thinking of nothing else but getting the ugly ring. If they failed again they would get a pay deduction and a lecture that would last forever. The hobbit clung to the horses back calling for his mommy as the horse crossed a rived. Suddenly he fell off as the horse as his balance, yet again, failed him. When he finally got up from his face plant he saw all nine ring wraiths across the river looking at it as if it was poison. The reason all there clothes and horses were black was because of there avid hate of bathes.

"Dude you're the youngest, you go!" one said nudging another forward.

"No way in hell! You go!" two said pointing at a third.

"Yeah right, you go!" three said to four.

"That's very funny, you have a great sense of humor, you know that!"

They continued on this way for many hours before he fell asleep, and the elves,  
with there superb spy equipment, I mean hearing sent someone to tell them to buzz off. The one who drew the short straw happened to be a lady elf named Arwen. She jumped on a horse and rode over to the river where the wraiths were still involved in there bickering.

"Ya all listen up right now cause I'm only gonna say this once. GO THE HELL AWAY!" she said in a pissed off voice glaring at them.

"Oh and who's going to make us?" said the bold number two wraith.

Arwen raised a eyebrow and whistled. The wraiths burst into fits of laughter and cried in mock horror.

"Oh no! The big bad elf is going to whistle at us, what are we to do!"

She snickered as a huge wave in the shape of penguins and bunny rabbits came and washed all the dirt off the wraiths. As it turned out, under all that dirt they were wearing hot pink robes. With a cry of horror they ran back to Mordor to hide. Arwen shook her head and waked over to Frodo before slinging him potatoes style over her horse and going home muttering something about a missed hair appointment.

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I know its short but it's better than nothin right?

Thanks to all 11 of my reviewers you guys rock!

Keep it real

Lj


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